The trails

My hand trembled as I tried to grasp for words. I actually do not know how to say it. We started a small story and it grew big… bigger than we could have imagined. Tied a ribbon and it got tighter and tighter that it’s already hard to unfasten.

Another day down. A count down to that day I won’t be seeing them in that “mini mental” as how Lot-Lot calls it. The day I wouldn’t be able to cross the window next to the veranda anymore just so I could get in. The day no one would be calling for me, shouting for “pet” out the window or at the veranda anytime of the day. That morning that I wouldn’t be leaving the iron by the window. That day I wouldn’t be able to hear their voices, their laughs. That day would be one of my gloomiest days. And I don’t want think of it. Coz that day I’ll be missing them so much.

I never thought I’d be that close to them. Closer than those I knew for years. I found great solace with them that they made me feel like I’m always loved no matter how much I’m down.

I’ve always wanted to have a sister and Danda and yee filled that position. Before I used to cry alone, and I still do but it felt great that they’re ready to listen to me and they’re ready to give me a hug every time I need one. Dada always annoys people, yes. But I’m much more annoying than him. He resembled an older brother I wanted. Someone who would laugh at me yet he’ll know when to stop and when to comfort me. I felt safe when I’m with them like no one could hurt me coz I know that their love for me is stronger than the pains I have. I never could have imagined myself without them.

It was just for three months that we have been together (that’s for my case) and it seemed like forever. The hands of clock ticked so fast that I never thought it would have to end.

I know I am crazy but then they have made me crazier.

But the craziness was just a way of dealing with the tiredness, with the pains that sometimes find its way to us. “Anlakas kaya ng osmotic pressure ko at anlakas ng hydrostatic pressure nila kase nagdiffuse na sakin ang mga ugali nila.”

You know the feeling of warmth and love when they’re around. They made me feel so secured.

Well, I just want to say I’ll miss them.

Robinson’s, Shawarma rice, balot, empanada, watch a movie to manage the pain and to pass the time, laugh, and all the impulsiveness.

I’ll miss them.

I’ll miss them.

And I’ll just miss them.

I’ll miss Danda.

Ngayon nga ilang minutes ko pa lang siyang hindi nakikita namimiss ko na sya. Kaya ko nga sya kinukulit ng ganun at inaasar. Haha, I won’t forget that night na natutulog sya at idinikit ko kay bleng ang picture na yun saka ko iniwan sa harap nya. LOL. Tawang tawa si Yapot. Wala lang. nakakamiss lang isipin.

I’ll just miss bonding with them.

I’ll miss you guys

And I’ll miss you again.

Coz I’m missing you now.

Thank you for staying active during those times that I am passive and impaired.

We have imprinted our own footprints in each other’s lives and when we find ourselves lost in the middle of all the worries all we have to do is to follow the trail and we’ll find the comfort we need. It’s not as if it’s end of the world but hello, they have been my world for those moments how could I prevent my world from ending when we are all parting ways… for this summer.

But apart from that, I know that they will still be there. We can still hang out together although not every night. We’ll be seeing each other at school although not often as we want to but the promise of staying and not leaving will be kept.

Dadandayeepet

<3

~pet

A Star’s gaze

I’ve been staying up late recently. I’ve been staring at the sky for days, watching the stars and looking for constellations.

I have been wondering, do they stare at me like how I gaze at them?

Do they miss seeing me at daytime?

Do they miss when I’m hiding from them all day long?

Do they miss me when they find themselves covered with clouds?

Just like now.

I again stared at the sky hoping I’ll find series of dots lining the endless horizon but I was disappointed to see nothing else but clouds trying to fill it.

I can’t even see a single glint.

It’s just unusual. Yeah I know that it’s not as if I see those stars all day but still, there’s the feeling of emptiness tonight.

And it’s very obvious.

That my feeling was somewhat congruent with the sky just like that night; that very night which is still very lucid in my memory.

(See how it works? That there are really those moments… those small moments wherein You and the Universe exist as one being.)

At times when I stare at them I feel sense of happiness. You know the feeling of assurance that they’re there. That they’re eyes are on you. That even though they do not speak to you at all, their mere presence would solve everything… it will try to fill the gaps.

Yet, even though I know the fact that they’re just around even when I cannot see them often makes me think that it’s not always a reassurance that the next day they’ll appear or they’ll be there. Bright they may seem but it’s not always the case. They do not lose their brightness but there are instances that clouds try to block them from view which gives me the impression that they fade away or more probably they lose their light… In short they also get tired…of sharing their light that they have to keep it for a while.

Right.

They do.

And in order for you to appreciate them again they have to regain their lights back. They have to let the clouds disappear from view so the brightness will be back.

And that takes time.

And you’ll realize that seeing it back is more rewarding for it will be like the first time you have set your eyes on it. Maybe it will be brighter than the first time you saw it… who knows this time it will never fade away?

“You held one of the stars to your hands because it felt so close and so good. You looked upon it with so much affection without you knowing you’d get blinded by its light. Now, no light could break up the darkness you have.”

~lloyd

“and you know what I asked that star to stay. I was lucky that star did… but only for a while. Within that span of time I never thought it would fade which made me believe that forever it will be there. But I was wrong. I was so wrong coz when clouds started to fill the sky, I just blinked… and it was no longer there. It was already out of my sight… now I can never reach it no matter how much I want to.”

~antonette

When the spell vanished

I’ll miss you when I wake up

And the only time I’ll stop doing so will be the time that I’ll cease waking up.

This is always the scenario however this time there’s a closure and perhaps it was for the best. Yet I wish I never ever had the courage to do so, I should have asked for another chance. But I’m not numb and I can feel it that he’s already done and there’s nothing I can do. It was my entire fault after all, I neglected him.

I never demanded time and prioritization but he tried his best and the decision had always been with me.

Maybe he fell out of love. Does love or the feeling really fade away? I never knew the answer. Where do they go? I’d like to know coz I want to have the feelings back.

I have so many questions in mind. Was it that easy for him to let me go? Did he consider asking for another chance coz I’ll always give him the chance. Did he really want it to end?

The letting go part wasn’t at all fine with me. I just had to accept it. I just thought maybe he really needed it and for us to be happy I have to set him free. I never owned him. He had always been owned by others.

But he had my heart from the very start and he’ll always have my heart… and a simple smile would make my day complete.

But… yeah that was then.

I just have to get used to the new scene that now, he’s not there to pick me up when I’m down… that he’s not there to comfort me when I need someone to talk to.

It was nice that for that span of time I felt how to be loved and to love someone. It felt great to be special in his eyes.

And if only… I’d have the power to change it… again for the nth time that I’ll wish for this… I would have told him from the very start that he’s my world.

Although, words doesn’t really matter much, It’s the actions that counts the most and I won’t ever forget how in his own ways he made me smile and made me dream about the future.

We’re still young and there’s a big world out there to explore and enjoy. 

If ever we bump into each other again in the future and the feelings or “sparks” as he called it will still be there then maybe… we’re meant to be together after all.

I’ll cross my fingers for it.  I wish I could have had a longer spell to keep the relationship working but what was done was done.

I want to thank him for everything… for the love and for making me feel special.

I love him

And

I’m letting go.

~antonette <3

March 09, 2010

2:25 A.M.

The End

Seems like it’s no longer worth fighting for.

Should I let go then?

I guess, it’s not enough that I’m holding on and I’m trying to find ways to settle things when in fact He gave up the fight already. There’s no use and I’m just trying to make my life complicated. In fact it’s already miserable.

I am afraid to let him go because I’m afraid I’d fall straight to the ground.

In the first place there had never been a commitment. And my mistake was to believe that he’ll stay with me for good but just like my old decisions I was wrong… maybe I was always wrong  about him.

And I’m still waiting. Waiting for him to say He’s sorry and that he wants another chance. I’ll always give him that chance. But I never gave myself the chance to be free from the feelings I have always felt for him, I never gave myself a chance to look around and probably see… that someone out there is worthier than him.

I’m always torn between holding on and letting go.

“When you feel like you’re falling for him again, think about the reason why you left him.”

Maybe I was never that important for him. And I considered him one of my priorities. I already knew that. I already knew things that are maybe known only to me. It was only a matter of time before the thought sunk into my stupid head.

When someone asked me if I see my future with him I said yes. I imagined myself growing up with him.

And now I’m letting go of all those thoughts.

If ever he might want to come back, the feeling would always be there. But I have to move on and continue my life. It’s not all about love but it’s about showing that person how much you care for them. Actions do really speak louder than words. And maybe letting him go will lessen the agony for the both of us.

I love him

Is it goodbye already?

~antonette

~written on march 9, 2010

at 12:55 AM

A letter to someone

To you,

I had to write this letter just to ease the pain. I wanted to tell you a lot of things but I never had the courage to do so.

I thought it was all fun and stuff. That the feeling would fade away after some time. I never thought I’ll fall in love with a guy like you.

Now I am torn between the feelings of letting you go or fighting for you after all that had happened.

Do you want me out of your life? Just tell me. I never wanted to compete with your dreams. I understand them as always. I never wanted to bring up topics like this for I am afraid you would take it seriously. And I am afraid I’ll lose you. I know that you can actually live without me and I can’t.

And I never wanted to demand anything from you. I hated you but only for a while. I hated myself more because when I am supposed to let go, you would appear out of nowhere and the feeling would be there again even though you made me cry a lot of times already.

The feelings I had for HIM (you know him) were long gone. It came to a point where I cried because I never wanted to hurt you. That if I choose to continue being a fool, I know I’ll hurt someone who have waited for his turn just so I could notice him. To tell you I have always noticed you, I was just afraid of admitting to the world I feel the same way.

I’m sorry for all the pain. I’m sorry for taking you for granted. I loved you and I still love you but I couldn’t find the words to bid goodbye now that things are complicated.

~antonette

Through my eyes

We’re humans and we’ve got feelings and that’s something special.

A quote I’ve been pondering on from the comic Magazine W.I.T.C.H. I have hurt a lot of people and I hate it. But that doesn’t give them any right to hurt me too.

I stood there at the school grounds watching the fireworks surrounded by hundreds of heads some I barely knew at all. I clutched myself for it was getting cold, it’s dark and I’m starving.

      As I enjoyed the moment I couldn’t help but think that how I wish all the hurt inside me would just disappear as the firecrackers explode in midair; emit different colors of light that shines above the heads of the watchers and then all the sparks would just die out in just a minute or two with only smoke as its residue.

     I’m tired of keeping everything to myself. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of smiling when in fact I do no longer have the courage to smile and what only keeps me going is the fact that I don’t want my friends to see me cry.

     I am saddened by the fact that on this big big world when I feel so down, I’ll end up being exaggerated in their eyes and I couldn’t do anything else but cry alone for I have no one to cry on… there’s just no one to listen and there’s just no one to comfort me.

Scribbles of a child

I wrote this one again for my younger bro, Raffy.

♥♥♥

If you can’t see something it doesn’t mean that it’s not there… a passage from an old movie we used to watch when we were still young, the Small Soldiers. It was a movie about a boy and some moving and talking action figures. Some of them became his friends while the rest became his enemies.

It correlates so much with life. We are the major characters in the movie and then we have friends and enemies. Each of them play an important role in our lives; they all teach us a lesson we will need later on in life no matter what side they’re on.

Just a few months now and I shall be ending the movie I’ve started within the premises of this school. I shall be threading a new path beyond the boundaries I was once afraid to step on. We experience things that are worth remembering and as time passes by, the only things that will be left are the memories. I shall be leaving all the bad memories behind and I will carry on the worthy ones.

Think about the people in your life right now, they tend to pull you down or they’ll help you up so you can reach your goals and succeed. Trusting people and taking risks are all part of the process of life.

“If we fight, we will lose… but if we hide we still lose… so no more hiding.” We tend to run away from everything when the world seems dark, we give up. No matter how hard life is, we shouldn’t let the fear of failing and falling struck us and stop us from moving on. Let us always bear in mind that the road towards our goal will always be difficult, yet tough it may seem there’s always a way out. We forget that there are a lot of people out there who are ready to help us whenever we’re in need. We just neglect them.

Life is a race… but it doesn’t really matter whether you reach the goal first or not. What matters in the end are the experience and the lessons we learned in life, whether we made a difference. I know it’s only the start of the adventure; it’s too early to say something that we will regret at the end. Even if I couldn’t see the goal yet I know it’s there… waiting for me.

The most beautiful things in life cannot be seen but can only be felt. The memories I’ve had will be kept deep inside my heart and whenever I look back, it will bring me back to those days I treasure so much. We may all have to part ways someday. We may leave the people we love and we would have to let go either but I know that we’re all under the same sky so we could never be that far. I may not see them often but I have them here in my heart. It’s a small world after all…

~ant

 __________________

post from my friendster blog

• October 6, 2009

Change

I wrote this for my younger brother….

♥♥♥

Oftentimes we experience change. We have to admit it that we hate such thing even though it is a permanent one. We tend to forget that it’s a usual part of life and it is common for everyone.

It’s more annoying when it happens to our friends. All of a sudden they grew up and mature into individuals we barely knew. And with my young mind I couldn’t help but ask why certain things just happen although I know I am changing, too.

I have had acquaintances and I have met new friends while I couldn’t help others leaving their long-time footprints behind. My experiences showed me that the world will continue on moving even though I was left to dwell unto memories. I know they do not mean to do such thing, perhaps they are driven by something and as what I have said there is always a constant change.

It’s hard to let go of them because you know deep inside your heart that you spent your life keeping the connection alive. Bonds aren’t created overnight. You would have to earn for it… for months and for years. And I just hope that no matter how time flies, the bonds we have with my friends will always be there no matter what change may occur.

As I continued on with life I began to get used with the change I once hated even though it wasn’t easy to accept. It takes a lot of time and courage to get used to it.I still hate it sometimes but now I know that change somehow gives life an essence. We find those real people that would stay with us no matter how confusing life is. And they are those who are really worthy to be called friends.

There are a lot of lessons out there but so far I have learned; you will never know your importance unless you experience one. For every move you do, you change a life… or you change your life. It is either for the better or for the worst. Through the changes we face, we discover the real world… if we’re lucky we find ourselves… we realize who we really are and our worth.

~ant

______________

post from my friendster blog

•  October 6, 2009

Her writings on her wall

Oooopsies… just wanted to break the silence within my blog.. it has been ages since i last posted here and i miss writing stuffs… however life’s making us all busy…

So as i was a bit sneaky… what i do when i’m bored and i have nothing else to do aside from editing photos and writing unnecessary things concerning about my life is to read…

I read books, news i found interesting, feature stories and BLOGS…

i happen to passed by R-yan’s place…

*coughs* Ma’am Ariane

and her blog posts struck me - i was smiling and laughing when i read them *nods* - i just hope she doesn’t get angry with me for reposting her articles in my blog. I’m going to give her all the credit though, i just wanted to share it although i know only a few people read other people’s blog.. or i might be wrong.

I sent her a message and she agreed that i could repost them here - i have proof… *grins*

i own nothing here except for this brief introduction (isn’t it quite obvious that i’m trying my best to make it appear long by adding spaces *snaps fingers*) Okay…Fine… I’m not going to bug you with my words anymore… enjoy reading and try to ENGULF EVERY WORD.

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“Love Triangles”

Lately, napansin ko, medyo uso na naman pala ang mga third parties… Most people who got dumped for another would say “it wasn’t my fault! It was that b*tch/Ah*le!” well, maybe yes… maybe no… I don’t know… But i have this question in mind though…

You see, kapag hindi pa kayo, kahit nililigawan ka nya, kung hindi mo pa naman siya sinasagot, kapag tumingin sya sa iba, wala kang karapatang sumbatan sya…

Kung kayo na, tapos tumingin sya sa iba, yan, pwede mo na syang sumbatan to your heart’s content…

Pero pano pag kayo nga, and he fell for somebody else,.. Yes of course you have the right to fight for him but the thing is, what’s there to fight for diba? Mahal mo nga sya, pero mahal naman nya’y iba. Ipaglaban mo man sya, ang tanong ngayon ay, para saan pa?

Para sa mga iniwan at ipinagpalit sa iba jan,. Para sa mga nagkaron ng “unfaithful” partners… i can’t say “i understand” because the thing is, i haven’t been there yet. But one thing is for sure, hindi nyo sila kawalan. Sabi nga nila, there are many fishes in the sea. You just happen to have caught the janitor fish which sucks on every dirt it senses… Swim on, marami pa jan^_^

Para sa mga naiwan parin, but whose partners were brave enough to tell them they’ve met somebody else. Well, i’m sorry for the loss and yet, probably it was a blessing na kahit papano, you had the opportunity to spend time with someone who is brave enough to let you know things… You see, when they tell you they’ve met someone, its not just you who is hurting. In one way or another, i know, they’re hurting, too.

Para naman sa mga nangloko at nang-iwan: bilog ang mundo. Wait till you find your match.

At syempre, para sa mga faithful, hmmm… ano nga bang sasabihin ko sa inyo? There’s no greater gift to your partner than respect and unconditional love… For some people, they don’t believe in happily ever afters… Who knows if it does really exist. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t… But i’m sure, its something we make… It’s a recipe designed for two people to make… so when you find that person you see yourself growing old with, make sure you start making your own happy ending.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“FYI”

To all those who keep on comparing themselves to other people;

To all those who think they are better than everybody else;

To all those who think so highly of themselves and who belittle others;

Heed this:

What has gotten into you? Why do you keep comparing yourself to other people? Tell me, does it give you a great feeling of satisfaction to brag about you being better than most people surrounding you?

Well, sorry to burst your bubble dear but I beg to disagree. Graduating from one of the most prestigious universities does not make you smarter nor more qualified nor better than everybody else. In fact, earning a bachelor’s degree, from any school for that matter, does not make you any more special than anybody.

You see dear, you can’t just judge people based from their educational background. Sometimes, better lessons are learned from outside the restricted corners of classrooms.

Remember dear that the man who discovered fire was not even capable of fully speaking a defined language, much more reading and writing. Look back in history. A lot of personalities who has admirable achievements didn’t even know what college meant and yet, they succeeded. They didn’t earn any degrees but they certainly know what they really wanted in life and they were certain with what they were capable of doing. And I think, beyond good education, having that kind of outlook in life would be a much greater advantage to anybody’s part.

So the next time you compare yourself with other people just because of your educational attainment, THINK AGAIN.

Remember what our teachers in primary school kept telling us: EMPTY CANS PRODUCE GREATER NOISE WHEN YOU LET IT ROLL DOWN THE HILL THAN THE FULL ONES.

To sum things up, the point dear is:

1.   Stop belittling other people;

2.   Nobody is better than anybody;

3.   Before you open your mouth, examine yourself carefully;

4.   If you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your thoughts to yourself;

5.  Stop comparing yourself to other people

6.   Lastly, prove that you’re worth something. Please, quit complaining!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I copied the quote from her blog post entitled, “Places i want to go”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just what the book “The Secret” says: The world is governed by law of attraction. Your thoughts are transformed into energy which stimulates the universe to change it self into something that you’ve thought it to be. You attract what you think.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Speaking of the Devil”

Last time, I talked about places where I want to go. Today I’d like to talk about rights. First in my list is the very much abused freedom of speech.

It’s a common knowledge, even to a grade schooler, that freedom of speech is something innate. Something that comes naturally, just like breathing. This is basically the reason why this is one right that is commonly abused by some people. But you see, it does not have to be this way.

Freedom of speech, just like everything else, just like life itself, has its limitations. Not because you were given a gallon of ice cream means you’d eat it all right?

EVERYTHING THAT IS IN EXCESS IS BAD FOR YOU.

We were given the basic freedom of speech for us to be able to express our selves. Well probably, for you, talking ill of someone or something may still be covered by your freedom of speech. Well, probably it is, probably its not (remember slander and libel?). But you see, the world is governed by certain laws. Laws equals limitations. It might not have been explicitly stated in our bill of rights that our freedom to speak has limitations but certainly, there are limitations to it. What limits our right to speak is called your ETIQUETTE, MANNERS, DECORUM. If you don’t have this, then I understand why you’re like that.

And speaking of this right, there’s this one way that most people today use to abuse this right and that is: UNLIMITED TEXT MESSAGING, GROUP MESSAGING.

Well, at first I said, unlitxts come quite handy, especially during my college days wherein we had to relay school info to our classmates. But later on, with all due respect to everybody, it became such a nuisance. You see, most of my classmates back then were using a SMART SIM and I was using globe. So what happens most of the time is that, messages are relayed but only to those who are using smart sim because, quote and unquote: “Wala akong extra load”. Okay fine.

And today? I’m getting spam messages about low interest loans, promos and other bunch of nonsense!

What’s even worse is that, some people also use it as a sort of blog, you know, texting people to update friends to let them know what’s up with them.

Well, it’s good to be connected. I admit, I do GMing sometimes but before I send it to my grouplist, I read my message a couple of times first. I have to consider whether:

1.   it is worth sending at all (especially that I don’t use unlitxts because I don’t know how to use it^_^)

2.   whether it may be offensive to some or not and lastly

3.   whether the people in my grouplist would be able to relate to it or not.

The last time I went out, I heard this group of teens saying “Nag GM na naman sya. Like may sense naman sinasabi nya right? Sayang lang ATP nya sa pagtetxt”.

Well, come to think of it, sana, before you guys send your next GM, think about this: would those people in your grouplist really appreciate it? Or would they rather think it’s a waste of storage space?

As they say, there are three things in this world that can never be taken back: time spent, actions done and words spoken.

So be careful with what you say/text. You may regret sending/saying them in the long run.

So this is it. Enjoy the rest of your day people!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Learned something?

*winks*

Ü

__________________

post from my friendster blog

• August 4, 2009 

A feather’s Piece: A glimpse on the Life of BSN 2-D

We were supposed to be enjoying the warm summer breeze somewhere else not inside a room listening to lectures, rushing experiments, home works and projects to meet deadlines.

Getting stuck inside the four walls of the classroom wasn’t the best idea for a vacation. We easily got bored sitting there for hours and usually fell asleep and had let our minds drift somewhere else. We go home exhausted even though what we just did at school was to learn new things or if not learn, to polish what we already have in mind.

Before I really appreciated the scene that we were still intact and we were still together laughing, complimenting and criticizing each other for the good and funny things that we do, time had passed by my very eyes without me even noticing it. It’s the last week of summer class and I hate the feeling. That something good and great would have to come to an end. That it is nearly time to say goodbye.

And so as I reminisce back the good old days, no one is really rich enough to buy back that yesterday… those memories are priceless. We aren’t getting any younger and these are all part of a process we had to go through. And if I could wind back my life, I will take that chance to step into the scene once more when I first stepped into that room and saw new faces and a few familiar ones back on the month of June 2008. I hated it then.

I hated it…

But that was then.

It’s not everyday that we find certain people that can make us laugh amidst life’s difficulties with a simple smile, hello, frown and joke

We were all 47. At first divided by some gaps but we got along and we got used with each others attitudes. I found myself laughing along with them as some cracked jokes, teased others, and maybe there are pranksters. I watched our story unfold right before my very eyes. There are qualms and arguments that are settled and unsettled. But even if we are like this, still we did learn many things through each other. Coz If you were to ask me, I learned a lot from them.

It’s as if Life had brought 47 people on the same train station and that it allowed us to enjoy the train ride with each other’s company. We developed a friendship so strong enough to break odds. Although the ride had to slow down at certain points to introduce change, welcome new passengers… bring distractions and stuffs, who cares about it? We were having so much fun that we had a lot of memories. We don’t need a proof for that.

The path was indeed long and weary - through dark tunnels, forests and strange places; that it brought us closer together. But just like any other ride, time will come that the train will have to stop when it finally reaches its destination. And as i feel the train come to a halt, we ready ourselves and one by one we move out. I bid goodbye to those lovely faces I got used to.There’s another train ride on my way to the other station, yet, that ride wouldn’t be like the first one: it would have different faces and another experience. I might look for a familiar face, but even if I see one, being used seeing 47 people doing pranks and stuffs would bring back the feeling of longing… And somehow I would wish even if I’m in the middle of a lively crowd that I was in that train ride again where the BSN 2-D was formed and became a FAMILY than just classmates and friends.

It was only once in a lifetime and I am lucky enough to be with them, to be able to know them and to be able to be a part of their lives. They have shown me how colorful the world could be through their own created personas.

I’m going to miss the early morning jokes and laughter’s, the noise that fills the air during vacant and discussions along with jeers and screams. Their ways of calling such as “bestfriend”, “ate,” “siwst,” “baket,” “lakay,” and many more. It would take me forever to name all the things I’ll be missing. There would be a lot of reminiscing – a lot of simple things that would remind me of the huggable moments I had with them that I couldn’t just find somewhere else.

I was never a good speaker. I stutter and everything… I just wanted them to know, I treasure them so much. And after everything that had happened maybe it’ s just the right thing to do, I wanted to say thank you… thank you so much.

I would have to say, that was the world I know; the life we had together. It had been different… so special that I couldn’t explain how happy I am that i didn’t spend my life some other place but I spent it with the very few people I found real and True. We are just under the same sky and MMSU BSN 2-D (S.Y. 2008-2009) will always be MMSU BSN 2-D (S.Y. 2008-2009).

47 heads,

47 different features.

47 distinctive smiles and frowns.

47 unique voices.

47 minds with billions of thoughts.

I’m one of them.

And I’m proud of them.

~antonette

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post from my friendster blog

• May 20, 2009 

Speech Communication

This one is a Valedictory Speech “kuno” of Melnic for our Speech Communication class today. (9-2pm) He asked me to write a speech after Julius had asked them to present some speeches as an activity for the public speaking report. So for the sake of our group, Melnic presented it and I gathered up my thoughts and started to write… it was just a short one though. Time wasn’t enough so there were errors. However they are changed now.

It was meant to touch the hearts of BSN 2-D, but, their jokes and screaming had surpassed his voice and so only a few had appreciated the overall speech. I’m so gonna miss those scenes. But before the speech I just wanted to share how the class had been so joyous at that moment.

We were supposed to have our final exam on Speech Communication however our instructor said we’ll have to report first and so we were quite disappointed but then as the class went on, he was enjoying and so are we. There were dull moments but nothing can replace those smiles that were painted on our faces a while a back.

So Julius’ group reported and then there’s the activity about public speaking. Speeches include, MC Speech by Von, Valedictory address by Melnic, Wedding Message by Kenneth, Funeral message by Hazel which was so funny.

The story of the short play goes like this… Melnic celebrated his highschool graduation, then the next day he got married with Hazel and then he passed away. Kenneth’s speech was unscripted. It was so funny he didn’t know what to say, and we were all laughing, because he even asked, “Sinno ngamin tay agkasaren?” He’s the best friend of Melnic there. And according to his speech, Melnic and Hazel had been together for 5 years. After that, it was Hazel’s turn, she even had singers. (lol… I sang too) She gave a message to her husband for a day but boyfriend for five years… and the speech came out to be a song in the end. With the lyrics, “because you loved me,” and ones I can’t remember coz I was busy laughing at that moment. Hazel had props too… tissue and bouquet of flowers, and I can’t explain but I know it was a very hilarious scene.

Well guess those ones were really  unscripted coz Julius made us cry after the activity, he had a short speech. And I thought it had something to do with their report. (yes it’s speaking in public) He gave a speech about us, BSN 2-D. And I actually have the video on my camera. I guess people cried even though it’s just a short one coz I did.

Then Sir Fernandez said the final exam was cancelled and let’s take pictures. (that’s why he brought his camera… and so we had to ask Yuri from Section C at the next to take the pictures so we’ll be complete) And he also gave a short speech, I don’t have that one.

And that’s it. Very random but I will treasure the scene.

So here goes the speech… i accidentally deleted Melnic’s video *sigh*

===========0==============

Four years ago, I was once a youngster, innocent of what lies ahead after graduating from Elementary. Unaware. Unprepared for bigger opportunities. However, those four years of toiling and working hard had brought me to where I am now. It was indeed a long and tedious journey. I had to undergo certain changes in order for me to grow and develop. And so along the way I met people who have helped me hone my hidden capabilities as an individual, as a student and for me to be a responsible man in the future.

I have been through a lot of things and it would be take me forever to reminisce back. I did succeed and I am proud to say through all my failures I learned how to cope up. I learned how to stand on my own and I opened my wings for possibilities. I learned to take risks however; I had to keep my feet on the ground so as not to fall. Through time and adjustments I have made this school my home and have deemed you as my family.

Life is hard and it will always be and many times in our lives we are faced with tough decisions and we have to choose between good and bad. Those choices have paid off because today we are again leaving the portals of this school which have served as our home.

After this, the path leads to the unknown. We are to face different directions that would bring us to where we are meant to be. Life is full of crossroads and I am thankful that life’s twist and turns had led me to where I belong.

Here.

To all our mentors thank you for opening our shells and guiding us as we thread the winding road of life. Thank you for developing our skills. Thank you for being a part of our journey.

To my parents, words are not enough to express my gratitude for all of your sacrifices. I can never repay you.

To my fellow graduates, let us show the world what we can do and let’s act for the betterment of humanity. Let’s introduce change. But always bear in mind that we are the change that we seek.

========0============

Got a quote from President Barrack Obama there, “We are the change that we seek.”

~antonette

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post from my friendster blog

• May 20, 2009

Things that YOU should know (read it)

this is a list of stuffs that are annoying me (probably you
either) and i’m annoyed right now.. i just don’t know how would i state it.. so
i decided to come up with this list. There’s a lot more but as of now.. those
were the only things i could think of (especially its 3 in the morning)

You should know these things (yes… you…)

*points at you*

so check it out and start thinking if you’re doing that to me and to everybody else because if yes…

then…

at least you know i hate it…

I hate it when….

Ø  > You decide for me and I’m not even asking for your opinion or comment (cut it out)

Ø  > You force me to do something you want (just do it your own)

Ø  > You act as if you got everything but you actually have none (get a grip of yourself)

Ø  > You are too bossy (your head’s too inflated)

Ø  > You demand for things and you want it immediately (practically…can’t you please wait?)

Ø  > You mess with someone else’s life (including mine) (go mess with your own life)

Ø  > You try to live my life for me (you’ve got your own)

Ø  > You act as if you know everything (brain capacity…)

Ø  > You act as if you’re perfect (you’re perfectly flawed just like me)

Ø  > You want (should I say oblige) me to like the things you want (do we like the same thing? Definitely not)

Ø  > You want me to dislike the things I like just because you don’t want
them (I’m not forcing you to like me… including the things I like)

Ø  > You want me to act like you (it’s so annoying. You should know that)

Ø  > You want me to like you (please… go find someone else to talk to if you’ll continue with that)

Ø  > You force yourself to me (I’ll accept you if you’re acceptable)

Ø  > You want me to prioritize you apart from everyone else (I have my own life to deal with)

Ø  > You over act at simple things (what for? You’re
being such a geek)

Ø  > You make me feel so dull (mind if I ask… are we in the same level?)

Ø  > You want me to follow all your commands (I am not your slave that would agree on everything you say)

Ø  > You over do requesting for things (and they’re for you only) (why do you give so much importance to yourself?)

Ø  > You insist your reason even though you already know its wrong (just accept your downfall)

Ø  > You want every thing (everyone) to be under your control (remember this… I am not and I’ll never be under your dominion)

Ø  > You want everything when in fact you know you can’t have
them all (start picking up the pieces then you’ll have the whole of it… got it?)

Ø  > You compete with me (as far as I know I’m not in a competition)

Ø  > You compare me with someone else (compare yourself with that someone)

Ø  > You talk to me as if I can not comprehend what you’re
saying (what did you say?)

Ø  > You rely on me all the time (what kind of parasite are you?)

Ø  > You again do the things I hate and want me to still understand you (I’ve given you like a million times to stop… so please)

~antonette

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post from my friendster blog

•  April 3, 2009

Recollections: once more please?

It felt great facing my grade one mentor again. It had been ages since I last saw her and I missed those days when I was just a six year old kid, dragging my knapsack on my way to school. It was funny as some scenes then flash on my mind.

I couldn’t remember if I had given her a hug way back then. But as I stared at her I wanted to giver her one.

She even thought I was only in my high school. And as I realized, it’s been 12 years since I first set foot on her room. It’s been a million hours ago. (Don’t try to compute… it wouldn’t result to million)

I would always stay after every class to help her clean the room although it would take hours and sometimes Mum would end up looking for me at school. However she could always find me with her, mopping the room while she packs her things.

I’d love to return to those days and sit again on my plastic desk on the second row. I’d love to write again in my grade 1 paper with all the colorful pencils and crayons on top of my desk and work on some simple math; Keeping my mouth shut when the teacher’s in front; Working on my own during exams.

I’d love to drop by the municipal office to check for my grandmother who was then working in there and play at the park after class with Kim, Sarah, Angie, Melanie, Jinky and others over again.

I’d love to catch a glimpse of those days when mum, Dad or his co-workers more often than not come to school because I was being bullied and being kissed unexpectedly on the cheek by one of my classmates.

I miss going home from school along with my brother and that he’ll wait for me during rainy days. I’d love to see us wear those shirts, shorts, raincoats and other stuffs on the same day because we didn’t care what other people would say.

I’d love to play with my buddies on the tiled floor and I’d love to mop again the room if I had to. I’d love to answer her questions, read stories and deliver some poems again; to participate in games and strive to get the price every Christmas Program. I miss the sitting arrangements during exams every grading period. I miss the way she treated me as if I was her own.

I miss those days when Mum usually surprises me with a gift because I excelled in class; and when Dad came home in the morning of our recognition program with my first play house for being number one at class for four grading periods (it’s still alive today except for the fact that I broke its window).

And within that little span of time, I felt like I’m that six year old kid again, listening to her every word. It’s not as if you feel like one everyday. I miss those days in which I get up in the morning and then think of having fun at school. Playing and doing some little work. There’s not much to think of, for I wasn’t preoccupied with random things. I guess then… it’s about school life and home. I didn’t know that there’s another world lying beyond their boundaries. There were a lot of pictures in my mind during those days; vague they may seem still I’d love to be that kid once more even though it would only be through those memories.

It’s nice to have a break from all the usual things I have always been thinking of recently. And searching the trunk I’ve had for years was a good idea. It brings a feeling of nostalgia yet you can have a good laugh at it.

~antonette

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post from my friendster blog

• March 28, 2009 

A Hole in the Wall

This is an article i wrote for our philosophy class. Needed some time for reflection after a quite euphoric and difficult term.

♥♥♥

Eighteen years of existence and I have never had many questions in life until I began attending Philosophy Class. It was one subject I would always look forward to embark upon every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning. I once thought of it as a subject I just have to attend to, but I got it wrong. Philosophy had engulfed me and has taken me into an unending journey of understanding life; a voyage that would still sail through stormy seas; a hike that would keep on climbing till it reaches the mountain’s peek.

I tend to look at things before the superficial way, but with Philosophy, I began understanding things deeper. I guess Philosophers would say there’s no superficial or deeper meaning for things but it’s just a simple meaning. Dealing with almost everything, it’s a complete eye opener and I suggest everyone should study it as I am a living proof that indeed it reveals truths about the world we are in.

To my understanding, Philosophy was made to question things yet to strengthen the very foundation of something… and that something I guess is you. I don’t know if that is right, but since I’ve been studying it, I have learned to question things a lot which I never did for the past years of my life. Every time I say or someone says something, an idea comes into my mind that somehow doubts the answer or the question itself. I’ve become inquisitive, inquisitive than ever… about other’s existence and my own. See, I’ve discovered a great deal of notion.

As I sat there and listened to our instructor as he discussed about things related to philosophy, the things around me. I was puzzled. I admit it had confused me instead of clearing things. Possibly, the confusion I have been feeling then have pushed me to eagerly pay attention although I barely recite at class. But then as days went by and I have sewed the pieces of information together, I started to appreciate and love the subject. I was fascinated with all the concepts… the world, LIFE itself.

Pardon me for being quite random with this essay. Perhaps a lot of questions can be raised about this piece of writing of mine. All the things I’ve included in here and I consider as ideas may just be or I’d rather say my mere intuitions about things; they are just mere copies of the original objects I have encountered and I could not even explain this well. I’m distracted with the thought that my thumb drive is missing, it’s lost. Perhaps the idea that I lost my USB is just a mere impression that I lost it. It’s just there… just around.

In a world full of qualms, studying Philosophy is finding an answer to all the doubts you have. You learn the meaning of life, appreciate the simplest of things and understand every how and why of them. Philosophy questions everything… every single detail, yet the answers to those questions are again questions. It’s an unending cycle of queries. It unlocked the doors to finding one’s real identity, for one to find their real purpose.

Although I may not be able to fully explain all the concepts, it’s enough for me that I have grasped something from it. I could not fully understand philosophy in one go and it would take me days, months and years to completely learn the notions by heart. But I am thankful and grateful that there’s something like this in which we could get some motivations to look forward to as we go on with our own life.

It was like being in a wilderness and then after some searching’s and explorations we find our way out and find ourselves in a different state of understanding things. And after every class, after some questionings and other inquiries about the lesson, I have new things to ponder on and apply if there is a need for it to be.

My perspective about the world was broadened by the idea that I was one with it. And oftentimes in life I find myself musing over things, I feel lost although I’m standing there, my mind somehow drifts off to places I don’t know and to think about things I don’t have any idea of. I find myself doing some things I am not aware of like heading off to somewhere with an unknown reason. Those maybe funny but are truths. Philosophy is the key to understanding my existence however I know that would take time. As I learned more things about myself, I have learned more about the world. Oftentimes I always do what I want and I desire for things… the truth is, those things are not the real ones I need.

Life has its twists and turns and I would have to deal with all of them. Right now, I’m stuck. Where? I still don’t know. Maybe a part of me is still standing on the other side of the cliff deciding on what would be the best path I should take; I’m still afraid to jump to the other side of it and face all the risks and obstacles that await me. I was never that strong enough to brave all the odds of life sticking at different angles. But I think I am armed now, maybe it wasn’t enough but in the battle of life I needed armour… and somehow Philosophy gave me more than what I have asked for.

~antonette

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post from my friendster blog

•  March 17, 2009 

A Made up Legend

I wrote this story for our Literature class. For Ravenclaws….. Ü (a group project_

So this is just a fiction… a product of my mind.

♥♥♥

THE LEGEND OF BATAC

There was once a village where the folks didn’t care about its name and so they didn’t bother thinking on what to call it. In that village it was their tradition to choose the deserving leader every decade from the most respected family within their community. It was a mixture of different personalities but all of them came from the same race.

The village was composed of 47 individuals and two of them were the twin brothers who were deemed to be the next village leaders. However, the town only needed one. And so they would have to compete against each other to see who would be worthy enough be the leader.

The twin brother’s names are Echein and Acque. Acque was boastful but strong and athletic in nature while Echein was humble, gentle and bright. Just like any other twins, they were opposite although they were identical in their physical form. The siblings grew close to each other, in spite of this; there had always been a problem. Acque wanted power, and craved to be the best at all times. From the day the twins had learned that one of them was going to be the village head, Acque had been trying to please everyone with his skills. Echein on the other hand didn’t mind it and continued with his life normally although he really was quite gifted with intellect. He cared for his brother so much that he didn’t want to compete with him. He knew Acque was good in his own way and somehow he deserved to be the leader.

The village people soon began watching every step of the twins. With their attributes, they both gained friends and as time drew nearer for the whole village to choose the next head that would guide them all throughout the next decade of their existence, Acque was almost ready. But after all his effort,it was Echein who won and Acque had a hard time accepting again his fate.He then brewed a plan to take his brother’s life.

A day before the proclamation, Acque carried out his plan to kill his brother. With the help of some of his friends, they abducted Echein while he was on his way home. Acque was a hard hearted man and as he faced his brother he confessed that he had envied Echein ever since when they were still young. Because of anger and enviousness that again his brother had defeated him, using a knife he stabbed his brother and the last words he heard from Echein was “But Acque,..” Acque killed Echein. Even in his death, Echein didn’t fight and was still trying to explain his side. It was too late for Acque when he found out that Echein refused to accept the position and recommended him instead. All along he thought that Echein wanted to beat him in all his endeavors, but then, that time he knew that from the very beginning, he was wrong.

The natives were saddened to hear about the incident and to remind them of Echein’s death they named their place after his last words. “But-Acque.” Other people found it hard to spell the name and so they tried to make it simpler. And as the legend was passed on from generations to generations, the Legend of But-Acque became the Legend of Batac.

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post from my friendster blog

• March 17, 2009 

strips of my life

It was just a few seconds…

A fragment really…

It was like…in that moment

…The whole universe existed just to bring us together…

Someone had always insisted to me that there’s no such thing as Destiny. I had always believed with that word and that loving someone could not be learned. Of course a girl like me who was used with fairytale stories would believe in that. It’s just that fairytales do not exist and that the thing I had been expecting was too ideal to happen. I cannot say right now if I still do, however I could not just say no.

Least expected incidents were too inevitable. One word had been floating on my mind as always, Serendipity… fortunate accidents. But what would be the use of decisions if everything was just pure coincidence? What’s the significance of waking up in the morning and planning for the day when everything was already set on its place? Everything happens by chance?

I was trying to question yet I wasn’t trying to insist something. I don’t want to question things, actually for I myself was confused.

I was destined for a purpose, and that’s why I’m here.

Probably that’s why I’m gonna let fate take me wherever it wants to go.

It was hard but I guess I have to admit that… that someone had always been right in saying so. You can really learn to love a person.

The question is have I already proven that for myself?

~antonette

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post from my friendster blog

• January 16, 2009 

PeeRing ThrougH A BooKShelf

I wasn’t just along then for the ride. I was just unsure if everything’s right. I’ve been so hooked; I forgot other things were lying beyond the world I was in. Suddenly, it seemed like the world had started to spin the other way around; and one day, I found myself looking at the other side of life. Considering all the happenings before whether it was good or bad, I turned my back on those days and left those memories.

It wasn’t an abrupt change, but perhaps they must have perceived it as one for it was like it. Well, they just don’t know how I had arranged things up so I could start again and move on. Little by little I adjusted as I attempted to get rid of things in my life, knowing that I was used to them. I slowly distanced myself from things and continued on with my life, normally. I didn’t thought about the effect of the act towards other people. But then, that’s it and there’s nothing I can do to wind back.

What was I up to? Why did I do that? (Shrugs)

It was like peering through thousands of bookshelves and not finding any single answer on any of those books stacked on those shelves. Finally, as I found one certain book, I got so engrossed with it; I didn’t want to let go. But then I have to put it back for I wasn’t the only one who would use it. It wasn’t mine so I have to return it back on where I had found it.

I was in search of something then or perhaps I wasn’t really searching for something but I was waiting for the right time to carry out things. I have no idea why and what was the reason behind it. It’s just that one day I felt like I had to do it.

I guess I was just running away from things. I was scared to face the consequences of my actions because I was driven by my peers. I was pressured by expectations I’ve been trying to live with. In fact I could not just set them aside because they have been a part of my life and that leaving them behind would have a great impact on me.

“I know the moment’s gone. I’m still holding on somehow. Wishing I could change the way the world goes round”. Sometimes I still look back on those days, and maybe… there was something right with the act itself now.

Happiness is just a step away if only I’ll learn to take the next step towards it.

~antonette~

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post from my friendster blog

• December 15, 2008 

Oddments of a Life

I have my own insecurities. Sometimes, I even unintentionally turn simple things into exaggerated ones, which makes me annoying. It wasn’t my fault for that was the kind of personality I have…

…Or perhaps it was. (Thinks)

It’s been almost 18 years; I was once a youngster, afraid to take risks and was always behind the shadow of my fears until I learned how to turn doubts into certainties. Life had been fair and unfair.

I have had my own share.

Looking back at the life I had lived, I was never perfect.

I have had my own lapses.

I often times cry without any particular reason at all. (But don’t ever think I’m crazy, I guess all individuals undergo confusion.) I was puzzled, probably, with all the things I have to think of.

As I gradually discovered life’s bliss and misery, I have found solace on the people I have deemed as my friends and my family. With their help, I have learned the real meaning of things, yet I know I still have many things to learn. We have encountered dilemmas together and we strived to keep the bond we had, working.

I know I haven’t been an ideal daughter and friend. I make errors at all times. And for the past years of my existence, I have been struggling to reach expectations. I came across problems I had to deal with on my own. As I am not perfect and was far from being one, I have had a hard time achieving such things and until now, I am still striving to reach the objectives I have set…

…for me…

…and for them.

~antonette~

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post from my friendster blog

• December 15, 2008 

Stars and Moon

We’ve been so euphoric last night.

I still couldn’t believe that we just missed to capture the beauty of the phenomenon last night. Well, we didn’t have any idea that those two misty looking eyes of the moon were the planets Jupiter and Venus.

Who would have thought of that? The sight of the phenomenon on the endless horizon was just so perfect; I have never seen anything like that in my entire life. And we just thought about it as a coincidence that it perfectly resembled a smiling face.

Colleen said that was probably one reason why we were so happy at that moment and i agreed with no particular reason at all. I couldn’t stop thinking about how we had noticed the intriguing positions of the stars and the moon and we even said “smiley” in chorus. To tell you we were all eight and we were so happy taking pictures outside Kenneth’s dormitory. We even said “let’s take a picture of that, let’s go on top of the dormitory and climb the steel bars.”

But unfortunately, there was something that had kept me from capturing the scenery. I had aimed to take a photograph of the view but then I would always stop and I would keep my camera away again. I would take another snap of the group and then aim at it for another shot but then every time I would try that, my attention would be distracted once more.

Back at Literature class a while ago, as our instructor had shared to us the phenomenon last night, we were all so ecstatic. We’ve seen it but then we’ve got no proof.

WE HAVE EACH OTHER AS A LIVING PROOF THAT WE HAD WITNESSED SUCH SPECIAL NIGHT TOGETHER.

As I’ve shared on my entry last night that I was so happy, yes, that was true. We were all so cheerful and that I could not even explain how happy I was. Immeasurable smiles had filled our stressed spirits. That was quite fun, for the past few days we had been staying up till dawn to finish paper works.

And last night, as we enjoyed the ambiance of the evening, aside from God who is watching over us, there’s one smiley face up at the firmament which made us feel like this group will be together and that they will stay friends forever.

A rare event, when will we see such thing again?

THE MEMORY WILL BE TREASURED; I WILL KEEP AS A PART OF ME FOREVER THE PEOPLE WHO WERE WITH ME UNDERNEATH THAT SMILING FACE LAST NIGHT.

~antonette~

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post from my friendster blog

 • December 2, 2008

Miles of Smiles

I was just so happy today. As I slept so late last night means I also woke up late today. But that wasn’t the real thought of my entry.

As I muse over what had just happened a few hours ago, I could not stop smiling and laughing as I stare at our photographs and videos together. There’s a certain bond, as what my friend have said, that connects us. It was funny to think that we had only known each other for about 6 months. For that small period of time we have learned to dislike things together and work as one for the benefit of our group.

We have our own unique personalities, before; individual differences had built gaps between us. But then as time went by, slowly we opened up ourselves to the changes and processes that are essential for our own development. We have experienced life together, as a group… AS A FAMILY.

I was glad to see that we’ve created a special bond which I hope would never be forgotten. We have a lot of photographs and they would serve as a reminder that in our search of our own purposes in life, we have experienced precious moments worth remembering.

So much for that, I was happy because a lot of people have touched my life and was inspiring me to work hard. I think some people don’t know that they’re one of my inspirations And because of them I’m starting to set objectives.

To end this, as I have lot of things to do rather than sit here all night and think; I wanted to share, THAT IN LIFE, YOU USUALLY NEVER FORGET THINGS, BUT YOU LEARN TO LIVE WITH THEM AS YOU GO ON WITH YOUR JOURNEY.

~antonette~

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post from my friendster blog

• December 1, 2008