The trails

My hand trembled as I tried to grasp for words. I actually do not know how to say it. We started a small story and it grew big… bigger than we could have imagined. Tied a ribbon and it got tighter and tighter that it’s already hard to unfasten.

Another day down. A count down to that day I won’t be seeing them in that “mini mental” as how Lot-Lot calls it. The day I wouldn’t be able to cross the window next to the veranda anymore just so I could get in. The day no one would be calling for me, shouting for “pet” out the window or at the veranda anytime of the day. That morning that I wouldn’t be leaving the iron by the window. That day I wouldn’t be able to hear their voices, their laughs. That day would be one of my gloomiest days. And I don’t want think of it. Coz that day I’ll be missing them so much.

I never thought I’d be that close to them. Closer than those I knew for years. I found great solace with them that they made me feel like I’m always loved no matter how much I’m down.

I’ve always wanted to have a sister and Danda and yee filled that position. Before I used to cry alone, and I still do but it felt great that they’re ready to listen to me and they’re ready to give me a hug every time I need one. Dada always annoys people, yes. But I’m much more annoying than him. He resembled an older brother I wanted. Someone who would laugh at me yet he’ll know when to stop and when to comfort me. I felt safe when I’m with them like no one could hurt me coz I know that their love for me is stronger than the pains I have. I never could have imagined myself without them.

It was just for three months that we have been together (that’s for my case) and it seemed like forever. The hands of clock ticked so fast that I never thought it would have to end.

I know I am crazy but then they have made me crazier.

But the craziness was just a way of dealing with the tiredness, with the pains that sometimes find its way to us. “Anlakas kaya ng osmotic pressure ko at anlakas ng hydrostatic pressure nila kase nagdiffuse na sakin ang mga ugali nila.”

You know the feeling of warmth and love when they’re around. They made me feel so secured.

Well, I just want to say I’ll miss them.

Robinson’s, Shawarma rice, balot, empanada, watch a movie to manage the pain and to pass the time, laugh, and all the impulsiveness.

I’ll miss them.

I’ll miss them.

And I’ll just miss them.

I’ll miss Danda.

Ngayon nga ilang minutes ko pa lang siyang hindi nakikita namimiss ko na sya. Kaya ko nga sya kinukulit ng ganun at inaasar. Haha, I won’t forget that night na natutulog sya at idinikit ko kay bleng ang picture na yun saka ko iniwan sa harap nya. LOL. Tawang tawa si Yapot. Wala lang. nakakamiss lang isipin.

I’ll just miss bonding with them.

I’ll miss you guys

And I’ll miss you again.

Coz I’m missing you now.

Thank you for staying active during those times that I am passive and impaired.

We have imprinted our own footprints in each other’s lives and when we find ourselves lost in the middle of all the worries all we have to do is to follow the trail and we’ll find the comfort we need. It’s not as if it’s end of the world but hello, they have been my world for those moments how could I prevent my world from ending when we are all parting ways… for this summer.

But apart from that, I know that they will still be there. We can still hang out together although not every night. We’ll be seeing each other at school although not often as we want to but the promise of staying and not leaving will be kept.

Dadandayeepet

<3

~pet

A Star’s gaze

I’ve been staying up late recently. I’ve been staring at the sky for days, watching the stars and looking for constellations.

I have been wondering, do they stare at me like how I gaze at them?

Do they miss seeing me at daytime?

Do they miss when I’m hiding from them all day long?

Do they miss me when they find themselves covered with clouds?

Just like now.

I again stared at the sky hoping I’ll find series of dots lining the endless horizon but I was disappointed to see nothing else but clouds trying to fill it.

I can’t even see a single glint.

It’s just unusual. Yeah I know that it’s not as if I see those stars all day but still, there’s the feeling of emptiness tonight.

And it’s very obvious.

That my feeling was somewhat congruent with the sky just like that night; that very night which is still very lucid in my memory.

(See how it works? That there are really those moments… those small moments wherein You and the Universe exist as one being.)

At times when I stare at them I feel sense of happiness. You know the feeling of assurance that they’re there. That they’re eyes are on you. That even though they do not speak to you at all, their mere presence would solve everything… it will try to fill the gaps.

Yet, even though I know the fact that they’re just around even when I cannot see them often makes me think that it’s not always a reassurance that the next day they’ll appear or they’ll be there. Bright they may seem but it’s not always the case. They do not lose their brightness but there are instances that clouds try to block them from view which gives me the impression that they fade away or more probably they lose their light… In short they also get tired…of sharing their light that they have to keep it for a while.

Right.

They do.

And in order for you to appreciate them again they have to regain their lights back. They have to let the clouds disappear from view so the brightness will be back.

And that takes time.

And you’ll realize that seeing it back is more rewarding for it will be like the first time you have set your eyes on it. Maybe it will be brighter than the first time you saw it… who knows this time it will never fade away?

“You held one of the stars to your hands because it felt so close and so good. You looked upon it with so much affection without you knowing you’d get blinded by its light. Now, no light could break up the darkness you have.”

~lloyd

“and you know what I asked that star to stay. I was lucky that star did… but only for a while. Within that span of time I never thought it would fade which made me believe that forever it will be there. But I was wrong. I was so wrong coz when clouds started to fill the sky, I just blinked… and it was no longer there. It was already out of my sight… now I can never reach it no matter how much I want to.”

~antonette

When the spell vanished

I’ll miss you when I wake up

And the only time I’ll stop doing so will be the time that I’ll cease waking up.

This is always the scenario however this time there’s a closure and perhaps it was for the best. Yet I wish I never ever had the courage to do so, I should have asked for another chance. But I’m not numb and I can feel it that he’s already done and there’s nothing I can do. It was my entire fault after all, I neglected him.

I never demanded time and prioritization but he tried his best and the decision had always been with me.

Maybe he fell out of love. Does love or the feeling really fade away? I never knew the answer. Where do they go? I’d like to know coz I want to have the feelings back.

I have so many questions in mind. Was it that easy for him to let me go? Did he consider asking for another chance coz I’ll always give him the chance. Did he really want it to end?

The letting go part wasn’t at all fine with me. I just had to accept it. I just thought maybe he really needed it and for us to be happy I have to set him free. I never owned him. He had always been owned by others.

But he had my heart from the very start and he’ll always have my heart… and a simple smile would make my day complete.

But… yeah that was then.

I just have to get used to the new scene that now, he’s not there to pick me up when I’m down… that he’s not there to comfort me when I need someone to talk to.

It was nice that for that span of time I felt how to be loved and to love someone. It felt great to be special in his eyes.

And if only… I’d have the power to change it… again for the nth time that I’ll wish for this… I would have told him from the very start that he’s my world.

Although, words doesn’t really matter much, It’s the actions that counts the most and I won’t ever forget how in his own ways he made me smile and made me dream about the future.

We’re still young and there’s a big world out there to explore and enjoy. 

If ever we bump into each other again in the future and the feelings or “sparks” as he called it will still be there then maybe… we’re meant to be together after all.

I’ll cross my fingers for it.  I wish I could have had a longer spell to keep the relationship working but what was done was done.

I want to thank him for everything… for the love and for making me feel special.

I love him

And

I’m letting go.

~antonette <3

March 09, 2010

2:25 A.M.

The End

Seems like it’s no longer worth fighting for.

Should I let go then?

I guess, it’s not enough that I’m holding on and I’m trying to find ways to settle things when in fact He gave up the fight already. There’s no use and I’m just trying to make my life complicated. In fact it’s already miserable.

I am afraid to let him go because I’m afraid I’d fall straight to the ground.

In the first place there had never been a commitment. And my mistake was to believe that he’ll stay with me for good but just like my old decisions I was wrong… maybe I was always wrong  about him.

And I’m still waiting. Waiting for him to say He’s sorry and that he wants another chance. I’ll always give him that chance. But I never gave myself the chance to be free from the feelings I have always felt for him, I never gave myself a chance to look around and probably see… that someone out there is worthier than him.

I’m always torn between holding on and letting go.

“When you feel like you’re falling for him again, think about the reason why you left him.”

Maybe I was never that important for him. And I considered him one of my priorities. I already knew that. I already knew things that are maybe known only to me. It was only a matter of time before the thought sunk into my stupid head.

When someone asked me if I see my future with him I said yes. I imagined myself growing up with him.

And now I’m letting go of all those thoughts.

If ever he might want to come back, the feeling would always be there. But I have to move on and continue my life. It’s not all about love but it’s about showing that person how much you care for them. Actions do really speak louder than words. And maybe letting him go will lessen the agony for the both of us.

I love him

Is it goodbye already?

~antonette

~written on march 9, 2010

at 12:55 AM