whinings

wrote this last night..

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME>>^_^

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Have you heard of the latest zodiac sign? Well, a reason why my zodiac had changed. Which isn’t really good for me. I do not believe in those things however you know the feeling when you pop open a newspaper or a magazine with horoscopes in it, wherein you just look at your own zodiac and not minding the other ones. I just became a Sagittarius. And I can’t imagine reading a Sagittarius horoscope from now on.

So it’s almost eleven in the evening of January 16, 2011.The last hours of my being 17^th again. Haha. Then tomorrow which is my birthday… I’ll turn 17 again. It’s just that I remain 17 however I do not stop aging. (that is definitely bad) I claim to be a 17 year old. (laughs)

Hmmmm, I sat here at the living room while Mike and Bianca is busy watching When in Rome. I have a headache and I want to sleep already but there’s a lot going on my mind as always. This time important stuffs which can make or break my future. For the past years, before my birthday or during it I always feel melodramatic over things.

And so it’s cold right now. I’m freezing. Tomorrow we will be heading to Bangui community. And I am gonna spend my birthday there.

Bryan gave me a bonnet last night as an unwrapped gift. I liked it anyway. No. I love it. I wanted to buy one for myself but I never got a chance. And thanks to him.

So now what? Nothing? Headache buzzing my head. I am just pouring all my thoughts here. Because I want to say a lot of things but I got no one to talk to. Everybody’s busy. It’s usual. I am used to it.

I am not yet finished with my case study. It’smaking me mad already. even our group case and thesis. I am wondering, why am I so indulged in doing it when in fact my groupmates aren’t. and I hate this attitude of mine wherein I get so nervous and all that I cram even if it’s still a few days away. (prolly due to my I-still-don’t-want-to-sleep-coz-it’s-a-waste-of-time-thingy) maybe that’s why I don’t wanna relax and have a break.

Tomorrow, it will  be Tanney’s birthday. (tanney- the bear that BRYAN gave me on my birthday last year) hmmm. It will also be a year for him. Since mum last saw him running after handling the bloody red paper bag with a small note and which contained the bear.

It has been a year. Yes and there had been a lot of change. So much have happened. And I am so tired keeping them in my mind already. Probably I have to let go of thing so I can work well. Hmmm. It’s just that every now and then they pop out of nowhere and there I’ll find myself lost again.

So I’m really sleepy now. But I still can’t go to sleep coz they are still here… hmmm. And I have to post you still so as to keep a memory of my last post before my birthday.

Now what again? i miss Keso.

Hmmmm. Oh, I might as well thank the people who stayed with me through the curves of life. When I was about to jump off a cliff and take the risk of reaching the bottom unarmed and unready. *hugs you all*

Thank you to you, Mine. For making me happy and inspired.

So it’s really getting colder and colder. Brrrrr. My hands are so dry. And my headache is growing and growing.

Guess I really have to go.

^^

100 drabbles - Waiting

“I’ll be waiting.” That was always my line before. I never thought he had been waiting, too, that we nearly lost each other. And it would have been one of my greatest mistakes if I allowed him to go just like that. Whew. There actually came a point that we grew tired of waiting but then I thought, it is supposed to be a part of our relationship. And now the line says, “I am willing to wait,” no matter how long, no matter what happens… Yes, I am. Just as long as it would be HIM in the end.

100 Drabbles - Message

That night I just wished for one thing, “If we’re still meant to be together then I hope you’ll reply.” I sent a group message and I waited… waited… waited… I was not expecting a response from you, but I crossed my fingers. Then… I received a message but to my disappointment it wasn’t from you but from my cousin, instead. I wasn’t yet finished reading it when there was again another message.. My heart started to skip a beat so I closed my eyes and opened the message. I peeked and smiled, It was from YOU. We’re meant, right?

Ember

Bakit ganun?  Bakit hindi na lang manatiling nakasindi yung apoy? Bakit kelangan nyang unti-unting mamatay? O ang sagot ba nun wala sa atin? Nasa mundo?

Natanong ko lang. Pero siguro nararamdaman ko.

Hmmm. Magulo. Madami akong iniisip ngayon kaya mukhang lahat eh napaghahalu-halo ko.  Hayyy. Ano ngayon ang mangyayari sakaling mamatay ng tuluyan yung apoy? Sakaling yung kahuli-hulihang ningas nito eh maubos? Wala na? Wala na.

Bakit nga kaya ganun?

Ulit aking sasabihin, natanong ko lang.

Napagtanto ko…

Hindi kaya… unti-unting pinapatay ng mundo yung apoy para hindi na kumalat? Para walang masaktan at walang madamay?

Siguro nga.

At maaaring, iyon na rin ang paraan ng mundo para ipagtanggol ang sarili niya. Para protektahan ang sarili niya laban sa kung anuman ang makasisira sa kanya.

Sobrang babaw man.

Napakalalim pa rin.

=(

My grown up Christmas List

I know it’s past Christmas and this is late. But, I just wanted to write this. That if Santa knows how to use the internet he will find a way to read my post and he’ll grant me those things written on my list. That is if there’s an internet connection in North Pole and he has his own computer or probably laptop… or something else where he can get online.

Colored pens? New bags? Gameboy? Shoes? Books? Cellphone? I couldn’t even remember what I have always wanted when I was a child.

I was once a kid and I believed in his existence and if believing in him would be the only way then I’d do that again. But deep inside, I know, he doesn’t exist and I have to set aside my childish feelings of having everything that I want now. I’m grown up and so much has changed. This world definitely sucks. It gives me so much pain. It makes me cry a lot and I’m tired. Sometimes, I do not even know the reason why I am crying anymore, a lot of things keep on shaking my mind.

I must have had a wish list before, but this real world absolutely do not hand over to us the things we want. And that list must have been torn now if I have had one. After all, I have shed so many tears already; I must have slept on it crying that it got so soaked. If not, maybe this time that list is empty, it is as clean as it should be, and it’s just a piece of paper which can now be found in the dump.

Really expecting would just always turn into disappointments. I have known that, for so many years now.

And I got used with not-to-expect-anything-anymore-even-if-promised-a-hundred-times.

It’s stupid to expect anyway. It only makes you feel so embarrassed.

Just hope for the best.

^_^